The Best of Both Worlds

The Best of Both Worlds:

I cannot pin-point when I first realized that I was attracted to both men and women.  Because of the stigma that is attached with openly announcing that you are gay, lesbian, or bi-sexual, my early encounters with members of the same gender were hidden and never spoken of outside of the bedroom.   I didn't actually realize that I was attracted to both genders until many years after my best friend and I "experimented" during our sleepovers.  

When I was 16, many of my friends suddenly "came out of the closet," and openly admitted that they were bi.  Imagine my surprise when one of my closest friends told me that the boyfriend she was always telling us about, whom we hadn't ever met, was actually her girlfriend.  That was my first exposure to the possibility of having an actual relationship, outside of the closed bedroom door, with another girl.  

I had a couple of girlfriends at that time, and was madly in love with one of my best friends; but she was already taken.  Not long afterwards, her family moved out of state.  We have recently found one another again, online.  She is married now and about to have a baby.

There was one other girl who I loved.  I felt that I would do anything for her.  At the time, I also had a boyfriend.  He didn't know about me and her.  It was then that I discovered she could please me much more then he could.  With a male, it is difficult to form that duel feeling of not only being in a romantic relationship, but also of being best-friends.  With my girlfriend, I not only had an emotional attachment of romantic love, but also the emotional attachment of having a best friend who I could talk to about anything.  Sure, it's possible to be best friends and lovers with a guy, but it is more difficult, and there are always things about a girl that a guy won't ever understand.  

There was a period of more than a few years when, because of the guy that I was dating, I was expected to deny my own sexuality.  For awhile, I was fine with it.  After I had completely lost my own identity and once I finally opened my eyes, I started to realize just how stupid I had been.  It's impossible to deny your own sexuality.  Sure, you might be able to succeed for awhile, but there will come a time when you start to feel a yearning for the touch that only another member of the same sex has, or for the kind of relationship that you can only have with a member of the same gender; and no, I'm not talking about sex here.  I am talking about that duel friendship/romantic relationship.  There were a couple of girls living in my dorm, who were roommates and openly in a relationship.  I would watch them with a feeling of yearning for the relationship that they had.  They didn't like me, though.  We never spoke and no one at the college knew that I was bi.  I think they misunderstood my looks of admiration and thought that I disapproved of their relationship.   

Now that I think about it, this is probably the time when I truly realized my sexuality.  It was after I started to have a relationship with a man who helped me to rediscover who I was, before my relationships with the guys who wanted me to deny my sexuality.  He told me that if I wanted to have a relationship with another woman, he couldn't see it as cheating, because he understood that there are things another woman can do for me that he can't.  At that very moment, it was like the floodgates were lifted and my heart was flooded with relief.  I knew and finally understood that this wasn't some "phase" that I was going through, like my mother had tried to convince me to believe.

Among my group of friends, I am open about my sexuality.  They are open-minded about it, and even enjoy playfully teasing me about it with passes that I know they don't really mean.  As much as it confuses my heart and mind, I can't deny them their fun.  I know they are only playing and I jokingly play back, though I know my limits.  I wouldn't ever push my sexuality off onto someone whom I know is straight or only bi-curious.  I desire a real relationship with someone who understands my position.  I desire that duel relationship of having a best girlfriend while also having the type of romantic relationship that I can't have with my man.