Late night madness

Jul 6, 201510 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: Jul 6, 2015

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I am SO Ungodsly tired… but I can’t sleep…

I went out to a friend’s house yesterday, for the holiday. To be honest, I was scared to death to go. We’ve known one another for 20 some years… but we haven’t really been all that close or kept up much over the past few years… so I was feeling really sick with worry while I was driving to her place…

Things turned out to be not nearly as bad as I feared. Except for the 2 drunk guys who kept hitting on me throughout the night (One of them, right in front of his wife… ) It ended up being a really good night, especially after all of her other guests had left and she and I sat down to talk for about an hour and a half.

I didn’t get home until 1:00 in the morning, and uploaded my Flash Fic for Flash-Fic-Month.

Sunday, I slept in until 11:30… and really didn’t do anything all day. I’ve mostly been brain dead, still so tired but unable to sleep. I didn’t even write a Flash Fic for the day… Just couldn’t think of anything to write. Mostly, I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff; friends… writing… life… My husband is going to be going back over the road as a truck driver… He’ll be gone for 2 weeks at a time and then home for 2 days before going out again. It’s better than when he was gone for 3 months at a time… but to be honest, it scares the shit out of me. Especially because Scooterly has had so much going on in her own life lately that we hardly talk like we used to. I know I pride myself on being an independent woman… but, I’ve become so dependent on him being there and with everything that’s been going on lately I fear that I’m not going to be able to handle things by myself…

I know I promised y’all that I’d have the second chapter of Love Memoirs of Kino, Makoto up fairly quickly… and I’ll get to work on that. My mind has just been everywhere, lately…

And to make matter’s worse, I have a bad girl crush…and not the Little Big Town kind. Again, my husband knows that I’m bisexual and he doesn’t care. He’s given me permission to have a girlfriend if I want one. To be honest, I don’t know if I want one or not. I Love my husband. The only thing I’m lacking is romance and companionship… I honestly don’t know… and besides, she’s younger then me by quite a lot of years… (She’s still legal, though.) When I ran into her, today, she talked to me longer then we usually do… and she commented that she hasn’t seen me around much. Ah good gods… I don’t know… to be honest, it’s been driving me crazy, lately.

I mean, being bisexual… there are so many stigmata’s thrown in with that label… there is so much negativity that comes along with saying your bisexual. There’s discrimination from both the straight crowd and the LGBT crowd… there’s Biphobia and erasure. There’s the labels that all bisexuals cheat and can’t be trusted…

Even though my husband has given me permission to have a girlfriend if I want one, because he can’t see it as cheating… I feel torn about whether or not I even want one. A part of me feel almost obligated to have one… yet at the same time a part of my does feel like I’d be the worst person in the world. Not all bisexuals cheat. There are bisexuals who live monogamous lives. Being bisexual doesn’t mean that your chances for a date on Friday night, doubles. It just means that instead of there being plenty of fish in the sea to choose from, you also have plenty of birds to choose from too. You can pick a fish or a bird, because you have to ability to fall in love with either one.

Some bisexuals are into polygamy. My husband is actually the one who suggested it to me. I tried it once, years ago, but it didn’t go very far… and to be honest, now I’m scared to death to even try it again…

Yet, with the prospect of my husband being gone for weeks at a time, I fear the idea of being alone and lonely. I’m probably going to have a lot of sleepless nights ahead of me. When he would be gone for 3 months at a time, I hardly ever slept, because I couldn’t stand sleeping by myself. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, since he works nights and sleeps during the day. But at least, even if he doesn’t come to bed until 5:00 in the morning, he’s still there. Even if he gets home at 2 or 3 in the morning and plays on the computer until 5:00… I know he’s still in the room and I’m not alone…

So yeah, I think I’m starting to freak out a little… it’s going on 2:20 in the morning and I can’t sleep, even if I feel exhausted…

If only I could write when I’m like this… Usually, anything I write when I’m like this is all messed up and in need of serious editing…

I don’t know… May as well get going because I’m just rambling.